That 7 Letter Word

ANXIETY

Dirty little word...I know. I have been struggling with this problem my entire life and it wasn't until I almost got divorced that I realized I did in fact have a problem.

I consider myself a "runner", I love running, the sound of your feet hiting the pavement, the sweat dripping of your face, your heart pounding, pushing myself to go just a little farther than yesterday. I also love to RUN from my problems. I don't like confrontation so I just "run" away. Example, When I lived in Utah one of my best freinds came to be my roommate. We were so close and for a few months it worked out. Instead of facing things head on with her, I "ran" to a new apartment and lost one of my best friends.

When Jake and I met it was shortly thereafter that I became pregnant. Go ahead and think what you want to think but if I could do it all over again I would do it exactly like I did. When
I was pregnant for the first time in years I could breath. It was like this weight had been lifted and I could truly enjoy life. I fell in love, and for those nine months everything was perfect. I have now come to learn that the chemicals in my body were off and my hormone levels shifting when I was pregnant made the chemicals normal.

Fast forward two years to this summer. I was at an all time low. I felt like I was drowning. I felt like a bad mother because I couldn't handle every day things. I was a horrible wife, which made my husband want to be home less and less. It wasn't until I sat in a room with my doctor that he said my entire life would change with one little pill. (Well two little pills....one is for the really bad days) I will happily announce that little baby pill saved me, and my marriage. I wake up everymorning without the chest pain or aches. I can laugh when Kenzie is being her normal stubborn self and I can let loose and have fun with my husband.

Anxiety is real....it doesn't make you any less of a person if you need help. Life is so hard and overwhelming and just too much at times and if a little pill can make it easier for you then do it. Talk to your doctor and help yourself.

I wanted to write about this because my friend wrote about her anxiety issues in one of her post and it made me want to come forward too. If you have any questions, you can ask away and I would love to talk about it.

I'M HERE...I'M HERE

Don't worry......i'm alive

My last post was April 12th about a cleaning service. I never got that cleaning service because right after that my life pretty much did a 180. I'm not going into details because sometimes there are some things that need to be kept private but I will say that I have the most amazing support system in this entire world. Bad things happen in life and will always happen and its the most amazing feeling knowing that there are people in my life that really will literally drop what they are doing at that exact second to come and pick up the pieces for me because I just simply can't.

Fast Forward......to now

My little family of three is still together, strong and happy. Jake and I decided that we HAD to move (well really it was me and he agreed) our neighborhood was just too roudy and not what I wanted my daughter to grow up in. So we moved into his mom's house. I know most of you are probably covering your mouths saying you feel horrible for me but really I absolutley love my in-laws. Every single on of them. We are currently looking for a new house...NO CLUSTER HOMES! A bigger yard and a basement.

I am working with my Dad as his administrrative assistant and I love every second of it. I am learning lots of new things like Quickbooks (seriously I hate you) and doing payroll and HR stuff. It's nice because I pretty much come and go as I please.

Kenzie started a new school and loves it. She is so smart and has a bit of a potty mouth (It's true I have a problem with swearing...my one and only fault HAHA) but don't worry we are working on it. The other day we were looking for my cat and Kenzie says "ughh that damn cat" how can you not help but laugh at that??? I mean seriously it's funny. Jake and I held it together long enough to explain that its NOT OK to say bad words then we walked outside and lost it! I had her hair chopped off and I love it....she looks so big. She also got a feather in her hair, I got one almost a month ago and she has been begging for one ever since.

Jake and I bought a 2011 Harley. CRAZY! We needed to start doing things we both love and we both love that bike. There is just something about riding on the back of a Harley that is just so liberating.

Things are good.....so much better than three months ago. I'm happy, Jake's happy and most importantly McKenzie Lynn is happy.

to do or NOT to do...that is the questions

I'm pretty OCD when it comes to cleaning our house! We have three dogs a cat and a three year old, I kinda have to be OCD! Best from the WEST told me one time if you don't make your bed everyday then spiders will crawl in your bed and bite you while your asleep...I'm not about to have that happen so everyday before I leave for work EVERY bed in my house is made as well as every sink dried out and so on and so on. I'M EXHAUSTED Jake tries to help but usually get distracted with a motorcycle or a truck or American Pickers so the house work is left up to me. I used to love it but now that i'm working full time and a full time mommy and a full time maid I'm overwhelmed SOLUTION: HIRE A CLEANING COMPANY TO COME IN AND CLEAN MY HOUSE FOR ME! I have looked into it, found one I love and guess what even though Jake says we can handle it, I have decided to do it anyway! Last night I broke the news to him that I was no longer going to be the house maid and we were literally going to hire one and he of course said NO WAY and I told him I was doing it whether he liked it or not. I was all prepared to duke it out with him (we are both super stubborn) but I think he could see the desperation in my eyes and threw in the white towel before the war even began. Starting in two weeks the burden of cleaning my house to my standards is no longer on me and now I can enjoy this beautiful Georgia spring time weather with Kenzie on Saturdays and Sundays! HELLO POOL TIME! I chose TO DO and don't even feel the slightest bit guilty!

Sick At Work

There is nothing worse than sitting at your desk and feeling like crap! I think I'm starting to get sick. I have that drunk feeling going on and I can't seem to keep my focus on these stupid insurance claims. Everytime I get a call I just want to hang up on the person cause I just don't feel like listening to these crazy people complain about how wet their house is. Its 3:15 so only and hour and forty-five minutes left. Jake is for sure gonna be mommy tonight because as soon as I get home, I'm headed straight to bed!

All I want to do right this second is curl up in bed with Kenzie and protect her from the horrible world that we live in!

JOYS OF PARENTING...Kenzie already knows how to work it

Every morning, we have the same routine. Alarm goes off, hit snooze a few times, drag myself out of bed, take the four-legged babies potty, get in the shower, turn Kenzie's light on and open her door, fix my hair, fix my makeup, get dressed, wake Kenzie up, get her dressed, brush her hair, brush her teeth, give her a flintstone and out the door we all go.

Today everything went as usual until I turned on her light, she sat straight up in a wonderful mood and wanted to watch me get ready. At some point, Kenzie left my bathroom and went to hers bringing back her DORA battery operated toothbrush. She wanted me to brush her teeth right that second. I looked down at her and told her she needed to wait until I was done getting ready and then I would get her all situated. I then asked her if she wanted to watch Oso while I got ready. She told me no and asked if she could brush her teeth. Fast forward ten minutes....I have now said no probably 20 times and I tell her if she asks again I'm going to spank her little white butt! Fast forward another ten minutes I am getting dressed at this point and I look down to see Kenzie with her mouth full of who knows what. I ask her what the heck is in her mouth and she gives me this crazy little smile. I KNEW she had toothpaste in her mouth. Of course I pick her up while yelling at her telling her I told her to wait. After she spit the toothpaste in the sink she grins at me and says "DADDY SAID YES!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Of course I go to Jake who is in our closet and start yelling at him telling him I told her no 189789 times! He looks at me and says oh i'm sorry I didn't know.

UGH She is almost three people and way way way to smart for her own good. It's a good thing she is stinking cute or I don't know what I would do.

At lunch today I told my mom the story and she died laughing and told me it was KARMA! I don't know what she is talking about I was a PERFECT daughter especially in my teenage years! HAHA

Easter Candy

Easter candy is by far the best holiday candy! For the next month and a half I have to stay away from any and all grocery stores...I HATE MY LIFE!

Sissy is getting married May 21 and for her sake and her pictures sake I will not be eating any more of these......just as soon I finish the 6 pack I bought yesterday!

So UGLY it's CUTE

We all know that i L O V E my furry babies! I have two big boys and a tiny princess cat...my parents knew from the day I was born that whoever married me would be getting themselves into a life full of fur and loud noise. I have been asking Jake-e-poo for a HAIRLESS CHINESE CRESTED for a long freaking time! Last weekend we almost got one but last minute it fell through so today as I was online I came across this little BEAUTY! I talked to Jake and we are totally doing it (I had to promise NO spending any money for the next little while...stupid i know but hey if it gets me the dog then I'm A OK)

I don't have any pictures of my little guy yet but don't you worry I will post a million soon! Here is what he is going to look like!

This dog is TOTALLY me!

TODAY

Today I went to work like usual...trying to think of a way to drag out actually getting to work. I love hitting traffic. Once I got there I was super annoyed so when the opportunity arose and I was able to leave you better believe I left.

I picked up Kenzie and went home and took a nap. After we got McDonalds and applebee's yummys! I started HCG and the first two days are literally EAT SHIT days so I can build my fat store...except its already pretty built up! Anyways as I am spending the day with my daughter I can't help but think of how cool she is. She plays pretend now...COME ON how friggin cool! We can play babies or store or kitchen or teacher! I had so much fun. I needed today. The weekends are big whirl winds and I never get to enjoy them anymore. Today was the best day I have had in a while...I didn't worry about my house. I didn't worry about work...I didn't even worry about what was supposed to be for dinner (PS totally ate Pizza...told you shit day!) Today was a good day!

In other news Jake and I bought a 2011 Jeep Patriot! Thats right I FINALLY got rid of the malibu! Except there were some awesome memories in that little piece of junk and Kenzie Lynn keeps asking where her car is. Its pretty cute!

And just a quick shout out...Mom and Dad I hope you know that all four of us children that you spawned love you more than anything in this world. There is no telling where I would be today if it had not been for the two of you. Words can't describe how much love and respect I have for the both of you!!

McKenzie Lynn

This is my favorite song right now:

In My Arms
by Plumb

Your baby blues
so full of wonder
Your curly ques's
your contagious smile
And as I watch you grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around you
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of Kings and Queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll somebody see
The truth for lies
When the

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around you
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

Hey I
Hey I
Will love

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

In my arms

Everytime I hear this song I loose it. I think back to my teenage years...so confusing and scary and awful. I made so many wrong turns and my mom and dad were always there to lead me back home again. I think to Kenzie and how hard it will be for her and I just want her to know without a shadow of a doubt that no matter what I will always love her. She will be safe with Jake and I. This song is so beautiful you all should listen to it!

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1. AHHHH I OVERSLEPT
2. I wish I could fit into my old jeans
3. My Kenzie Lynn is the most awesome kid ever
4. My husband is the best (he starts my car every morning so its warm when I get in it)
5. Is it almost 5:00?
6. Whats for dinner?
7. AHHHHHHH its so nice to be warm and cozy in my bed

Day Three: Eight things that I couldn't live without!

1. Jake and Kenzie...that was easy
2. My three furry babies
3. My extended family
4. My wonderful friends
5. DVR (I had no idea what I was missing until I actually had it)
6. My driod (I would be so lost without it)
7. Pasta
8. An occasional sip of Mr. Pibb (I cut out soda a month ago but I still gotta have it every once in a while)

HELP

It seriously took me an hour to post this last post and I got so frustrated I almost quite 3 times (i am so impatient!) Can somebody please help a girl out...I need to know how to post a cute picture in my header and I am having issues with my dumb pictures not wanting to go where i want them too! THANKS

DAY TWO: Nine things most people don't know about me!

1. One of my very best friends is Jake's high school sweetheart! We double date ALL THE TIME SHOUT OUT SHERRIL MARSH



2. I am ALWAYS second guessing myself when it comes to my mothering skills!



3. I own two pairs of shoes that I can't walk in. I am a "pro" when it comes to wearing heels but I have met my match with these little buggers. I need to hire a stripper to teach me how to walk in them!

4. Tori Spelling is my hero! I think she is a wonderful mother, great actress, BEAUTIFUL except when she was TOO skinny this past summer (YOU LOOK GREAT NOW GIRL) and a super classy lady!

5. I HATE HATE HATE fish! Jake offered me $200.00 dollars to eat a shrimp and I had an anxiety attack when I went to put it in my mouth! (True story)

6. I am scared to death of birds, deer and fish. THANK YOU Alfred Hitchcock and your stupid move that I HAD to watch in sixth grade, THANK YOU 3 accidents and THANK YOU mr. dead catfish floating at the surface that slit my leg open!

7. We need updated family pictures done badly but I am too scared to get them done because of how badly I have let myself go (LIZ...i am STOKED for your contest and ASHLEY we are going to be in Utah this summer for Whits wedding...I need prices!)

8. I have a "special" language for my animals and they all have first middle and of course last names as well as about 50 nicknames each (Don't worry they don't have a complex or anything!)

9. I am the worlds worst dancer...No Joke...I am horrible...I saw the wedding footage!

Day One: Ten things you wish you could say to someone right now

1. Your one sexy hott man and even though I'm a crazy, moody, mean lady sometimes I love you no matter what. I promise I will try harder to be better...I do see how hard you are trying and I'm so thankful for that.

2. I know you better than anybody in the world and I love you so much!I'm so scared for you right now....your really need to start living in the reality of the situation and not the fantasy world you have created. It's not just about you anymore.

3. I am so glad I stopped being so judgemental because I honestly don't know what I would do without you. I love you and your cute little fam so much

4. Your going to be a wonderful mommy and I love you and LP so much. Its a good thing you stopped calling me flip-out-hair girl cause I don't know where I would be today if it wasn't for all your harsh reality slap in the face talks!

5. Where do I even start with you...I call you with a confession and you know exactly what to say to make me feel better or your going through the same thing too. No matter what your always there for me and your the most loyal human being I know. I want nothing but a happy life for you because you deserve nothing less of that!

6. The stuff you said about my family and I has left me so hurt. Not a day goes by where I don't remember how hurt I felt when everything went down. You didn't even have the balls to say I'm Sorry...I screwed up! Your pathetic, selfish, and down right poison and I really hope I never see you again!

7. You three furry four legged creatures will never know how much I truly love you. I consider each one of you my children and I'm so grateful that I have you three to cry on and love on!

8. I am so thankful for the example you both have showed me on how to make a marriage work....it is crazy to me that after 25 years you still love each other the same amount as the day you were married!

9. I'm so glad that we have become so close. I was worried that you and I wouldn't get like that but we did. You and the kids mean so much and I love all three of you!

10. Thank you for introducing Jake and I! You were my first real friend here in GA and I'm so glad you and your family are such a big part of our lives. Your like a sister to me and I love the boys like they are my own! Your husband is pretty awesome too!

10 DAYS

DAY ONE: TEN THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY TO TEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT NOW

DAY TWO: NINE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU

DAY THREE: EIGHT THINGS YOU COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT

DAY FOUR: SEVEN THINGS THAT CROSS YOUR MIND A LOT

DAY FIVE: SIX THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE OR WISH YOU WOULDN'T HAVE DONE

DAY SIX: FIVE PEOPLE WHO MEAN A LOT TO YOU

DAY SEVEN: FOUR TURN OFFS

DAY EIGHT: THREE TURN ONS

DAY NINE: TWO WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW

DAY TEN: ONE CONFESSION

How much fun does this sound?? I think everyone should do it with me!

2010 IN REVIEW

I stopped writing in my blog about mid-October. It was a very very very bad 2 1/2 months. HORRIBLE...lets just say I was so glad to leave 2010 behind me. Instead of giving you all the gorey details about my hardest time of my life I figure I will do what everybody else is doing and review my 2010.


*Started back at school with hopes of getting my BSN in nursing
*Jake turned 24
*Got a house
*Kenzie started daycare and LOVES it
*Finished Spring semester with a nearly perfect GPA!
*Started Summer semester
*Wrote papers about William Falukner while Jake and Kenzie played in the pool :(
*Went To NJ to visit SISSY with Hubby and Kenzie Lynn
*My best friend Nicole Burruss got pregnant
*My little sister Nichole Brodeur got pregnant
*Stopped taking BC hoping I would get pregnant
*Finished Summer semester with a nearly perfect GPA
*Started Fall semester
*Carrie and Larry came to Visit
*My best friend Carrie Pierce got pregant
*Kenzie's ears started to bother her
*Kenzies ears really started to bother her
*Decided she needed to have surgery again
*Kenzie had old tubes removed, new ones put in, and adenoids taken out
*Kenzie was sick for a month in a half after sugery!
*I missed a month and a half of school
*School was unwilling to work with me and I was forced to withdraw which basically gave me F's in all my classes
*3.8 GPA that I worked my butt of for dropped to a 1.8 (AWESOME...don't worry im not bitter or anything)
*Realized I will never get into a nursing school (again don't worry im not bitter)
*Jake's boss lost his company which means Jake was out of work
*Got back on BC ASAP
*Kenzie was a witch for Halloween
*My Mom's family came for Thanksgiving
*Kenzie met her cousin Abbey and it was LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! (She still asks about Abbey every day)
*Jake got a job as a project manager
*I got a job as an administration assistant
*Life finally started to go back to normal around Christmas time

2010 I'm so thankful your gone and so far 2011 has been so much better.